It's been a while since I've written on here... but I currently cannot sleep and am struggling with my thoughts so I thought I'd process it all out in a blog and clear my head. This may not be the best idea... but hey...here goes nothing.
This year I spent my New Years Eve with some friends from out-of-town that attend my school. It was a blast... we had some good laugh's and had fun together. I really am fortunate to have people like them in my life. They inspire me, encourage me and challenge me to the core without even realizing it I'm sure. I am so blessed to have them in my life. We spent the big night downtown at Parliament, and after midnight hit we began to walk back to our car which was parked a few blocks away. As we made the chilly walk back to the car, my mind began to reflect on the past year. I began to reminisce about the amazing things that happened in my life in 2011. I excitedly recalled the many things God did in my life and the provisions which he made available to me throughout the year. However, I also recalled the not-so-great moments of 2011. The challenges that I faced. The mountains that I miraculously conquered, and the mountains that I hate to admit conquered me. I silently decided in that moment not to let certain struggles take a hold of my life in this new year. I made a pact with myself that I would conquer mountains in my life that I had been facing for several years now. I can recall the previous New Year's Eve making the exact same inner-agreement with myself, but this year was different. In my mind, I promised God, I said "God, I am done dealing with this. This year, I will conquer this mountain in my life. It's gone and done with." I was determined. And they say when your determined...nothing can stop you.
It's now January 2. The second day of a New Year. The second day of what many consider a fresh start. A new beginning. A second or third or fourth chance at making a change... and I already blew my agreement. I did exactly what I said I wouldn't do. Was it something huge that will haunt me for the rest of my life? Thankfully no. But still, I was determined. I wanted this mountain gone. Removed. Out of sight, out of mind. And I promised myself that I would not let myself see it again.
That's exactly where I went wrong. Little did I know at the time, that the exact moment when I made that deal in my head was where everything went wrong. That's where I failed my plans. I had good intentions, but you see, I promised myself that I would not let myself struggle with my mountain anymore. I was determined that I was going to conquer my mountain... Have I made my point clear? Although the purpose behind conquering my mountain was to further my relationship with God, I did not include God in my equation. Just a "minor" detail I missed. Oops. I actually laugh now as I realize that my own strength only lasted me two days. How weak am I when I do not rely on the one who gives me strength. It sounds so cliche, but that previous statement holds so much truth. The situation I find myself in reminds me of something I read in Romans just last week. You see, the story that I am given is a God-story. Not an Allison-story. Its a story about what God is doing in my life and how He conquers the various mountains in my life when I rely on and trust in Him. It's not about how I muster up the strength and determination to conquer a struggle. In Romans 4, Paul writes that Abraham entered in to what God was doing for him...and the moment that Abraham entered in to God's plan, he allowed God to set the pace - and that was the turning point in Abraham's life. He trusted God to set him right instead of trying to be right on his own. Paul uses Abraham as an example to teach us that if you consciously acknowledge that the job at hand is too big for you, and trust that God can accomplish what you never possibly could, then your trust in him to do it is what will set you right with God. It's our shift in focus from what we do, to what God does, that causes us to become less concerned about the mountains in our life, and more concerned about our faith in Christ. ...and consequently, as we focus in on our faith, the mountains in our lives will fade away as confirmation of our faith. Yes, there still will be challenges and new mountains will come our way - but they are no longer our focus as we keep our eyes fixed on Christ. In a way its all about trusting God. It's about me figuring out that in order to accomplish anything, I must first submit it to God. ...and when I say submit, I don't just mean saying "Here God, take this.".. I mean, genuinely coming to the realization that I cannot do it on my own. I am not capable in any way shape or form and I need God to accomplish it. And in turn, as I admit my weakness by surrendering each situation to him, I gain his strength. It's a beautiful exchange - it really is, if you think about it. Why would he do such a thing? To prove that he is almighty and powerful? Or for the simple reason that he loves us, and he desires to see us soar and share what he has done in our lives with others. Because remember, my story is not an Allison-story. When all is said and done one day I hope that my life is not a show and tell story of what I have accomplished. But I hope that it is a God-story. He should be the main character on display - receiving all the glory... because he has done great things... and this year I have faith that he will do even greater things and move mountains that I never could, even if I tried.